Unattainable Balance

I am so sick of the up and down self loathing. Happiness is always transient. Depression seems all the more common place than euphoria. My life is in a constant state of flux, but more often than not it lies in the negative spectrum. I am so tired of keeping up with it all. Sometimes I wish I wasn't me. I wish I had a new body. A clean. New. Body. I want to start over again. I've done everything wrong and nothing right, and I can't deal with the consequences anymore. I hate how I worry everyone. Why do people love me? I don't love me. I don't know if I've ever loved me. And just when I think I'm finally coming to terms with myself, something unforeseen pops up and send me spirally back down to that all familiar darkness. Life is one big melancholy daydream. I want to wake up.