Fuck Xmas

Alcohol solves everything...

Pieces

I don't know who I am anymore. I always feel so alone.

Autonomy

I am my own person. I can solve my own problems.

Debt

At this rate, I should have just taken out a line of credit. Student loans are giving me the runaround, and still haven't paid out a penny. I'm having to borrow money just to eat, and the bills are piling up. On top of cable and VISA, I owe my family nearly a $1000. Where the fuck is my loan? Why won't anyone give me a straight answer? Everyone I talk to just passes the blame on to another organization. What a joke. Tuition was due yesterday; I had to buy books on VISA. There is $4.77 in my bank account! I already hate owing people, and now I'm indebted on all ends. Argh, I really fucking hate money!

Anxious Sleeplessness

I don't understand how anyone can profess to like me -- let alone love me. I don't love me and for obvious reasons. I'm selfish, unstable, lazy, and cheap. I lie, steal, and hurt those around me. How anyone could stand my presence is beyond me. As far as I'm concerned I'm nothing but a spineless, mentally divergent asshole. Why can't people see me for what I really am?

Also, my insomnia is back.

The Evolving Self

I feel like an entirely different person. I can see myself transforming, and I'm torn between the excitement of change and the solidity of what I already know. Change is inevitable; it is useless to fight it, but maybe I can guide it in some way. What road do I choose to travel? What goals do I choose to set? Who are the people that are most important in my life? These and other questions permeate my conscious and sub-conscious mind. Ever present is the unanswerable - who am I?

Empty

I do not recognize the face in the mirror. My heart hurts and I cover it up. I am a multiplicity of persons, but I do not particularly like any of them. I hurt the people closest to me. I am weak and needy. I am an individualist who lacks independence.

I do not know what my purpose is. I am hollow.

Analog Fever

I think I may be re-addicted to film. Instead of finishing my paper on the Olympic industry and propaganda, I loaded up my old Olympus OM2 and shot some expired 35mm film. Then I couldn't help but catalog some of the gear my grandfather left to me - as far as medium format goes:

Hasselblad 503CX with 80mm lens (my personal favourite)
Hasselblad 500ELX with 120mm lens (auto-winder)
Hasselblad 500CM with 80mm lens (the industry standard)
Hasselblad 2000FC with 150mm lens (gorgeous studio camera)
Hasselblad Super Wide C with 38mm lens (super vintage with no film back)
80mm lens (should fit the 2000FC)
50mm lens (should fit the 2000FC)
2x teleconverter (should fit the 500/503)

There's also a Nikon FE2, Konica FS1 (first camera with a built in motor-drive), and a whole slew of flashes, filters, adapters, bellows, cables, light meters, and other great stuff. It's going to take me years to sift through it all. My poor Olympus DSLR might just feel a little out of place (not that I don't already shoot vintage glass on it via an OM to 4/3 adapter.) Time to pickup some 120mm film!

Simple Pleasures

I can finally wear the 9/16" opalite plugs my little sister gave me for Xmas. Rather large flares. I think I'm almost due for another stretch.

(Posted from my iPhone.)

The Cards

Is it wrong to trust the cards? I am little into superstition but there's something wholesome about a tarot reading. Especially when it expounds on the state of my love life. Do I trust it? The rational thinker in me says no, but the higher self - or is it the inner self - wants to believe. My happiness is always uncertain. But I want those around me - those special people in my life - to be sure and confident in theirs. I shall not rule, nor shall I be ruled. It is selfish of me to cling to she who seeks her individual freedom. But I love her so much. Is it wrong? Is it a construct of our monoculture or is it more primal than that? I just want them to be happy. I am sure of that. Be happy.

- The Hanged Man

Unattainable Balance

I am so sick of the up and down self loathing. Happiness is always transient. Depression seems all the more common place than euphoria. My life is in a constant state of flux, but more often than not it lies in the negative spectrum. I am so tired of keeping up with it all. Sometimes I wish I wasn't me. I wish I had a new body. A clean. New. Body. I want to start over again. I've done everything wrong and nothing right, and I can't deal with the consequences anymore. I hate how I worry everyone. Why do people love me? I don't love me. I don't know if I've ever loved me. And just when I think I'm finally coming to terms with myself, something unforeseen pops up and send me spirally back down to that all familiar darkness. Life is one big melancholy daydream. I want to wake up.

Holidaze

Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad, Maligayang Pasko, etc. The past couple weeks have just been a blur - exams, gigs, snow (lot's of snow,) travel, old friends, family, work, work, work, and now, somehow, it's Christmas day. There's been no time to sit still, and something tells me I won't get much of that even after the holidays are over. So I better enjoy what little peace I can get in. It's the little things that matter after all, like a package of new vinyl from the UK, or a framed picture from my sweetheart, pencil crayons and ink markers, or a meal shared with family. There are some things I really do enjoy about the winter holidays, hidden well beneath the layers of consumerism, advertising, and stress. I'm glad I painted and drew for my family this year instead of buying gifts; they were happy with the results, an original gift that money could not buy - my time, my output, my love. Anyways, my head is somewhere else, and I best get some sleep. So I'll just plug the recently updated Union Sound System website (via the link at the top of the page) and be off. Happy Holidaze.

Simple Things

Sometimes it's the simple things that make life so enjoyable, like taking the time to sit down for lunch with my father. Having moved out it's hard to keep in touch with my family, especially when we're all caught up in our own busy schedules. My dad took the time out of his busy day to drive all the way downtown to meet with me. It was nice to reconnect - to catch up after such a long absence. My mother tends to worry to much, and when we meet she pries for details about everything. My dad understands that I'm my own person; when we talk, we talk as equals. I've grown up. There's a lot I miss about home, but that chapter of my life is in the past now. It's the chapter I'm writing now that matters the most.